My pastor in Calvary Church San Diego, Pastor Tim Lee, wrote this note and i found it to be very inspiring and insightful... i hope its okay with him sharing it here haha. be blessed

selfish love vs noble love

fathers that utilize man centered love ("ish" = man in Hebrew, also means crap in slang) to love sons and daughters limit the future outcome of not only the present offspring, but the type of love that the father walks out will determine the spiritual inheritance flowing down to multiple generations.
the self-ish (self-man) love tries to utilize the son or daughter to gain identity for oneself, or due to the fear of breaking out of the Adamic sin, the father uses the children to hide behind his own limitations.
Example of a selfish love interaction between a father and a son is one that uses the son to live vicariously the unfulfilled dreams or aspirations. the fear of failure or expectation is heavily enforced upon the son so that the son never gets to live for himself but always lives under the shadow of the father's shortcomings. typical unhealthy father-son relationship is played out where the father's passivity in emotional connection pushes the son to seek out the mother. however, not only does the son need to go to the mother for that connection, but due to the passivity, the mother's emotional needs are not fulfilled by the father as a husband, but rather the son begins to substitute for the absence of the father. many young men have been the substitute husbands for their mother for many years and have a difficult time with their wife once they get married, for they do not know how to properly leave their parents and cleave to the new wife. men, stop sucking on your mother's boob, and leave so that you can cleave and be that one husband for YOUR wife alone!
the selfish interaction between father and daughter takes place when the father utilizes the daughter as a substitute wife, since he sits in his sin of passivity by not connecting emotionally and spiritually with his wife, therefore he seeks out the comfort or understanding of his daughter. this type of sick love looks as if the father truly cares or wants to protect the daughter from harm or danger, however it is a disguise for the inability for the sinful father to get healthy interaction with his wife. not only are daughters used as concubines, but when the young daughters grow up and need to get married, they begin to interact with men that are looking for comfort. these daughters that are suppose to marry powerful men that are capable of leading in relationships emotionally, physically and spiritually, but instead these daughters tend to be attracted towards weak men that are looking for a motherly comforting place from these daughters, so once again they engage in relationships where they have to be used as a shoulder to cry on or even physical comfort by giving up their flesh. The daughters lack identity so they will live out compromising, devaluing and give away their hearts and body to whoever will pay them the smallest attention. People are getting very much involved in human trafficking overseas and in our nation, however what about the daily prostitution of daughters who live as if they will never be free from the Christian pimps and selfish fathers.

there are many examples of such interaction, but we will take a look at 2 examples of selfish love interaction between father and daughter that basically determines the future of generations that would be affected by the selfish decision of the fathers.
we are all familiar with Lot (Genesis 19:6-8, 30-37) and how he was the master of self-preservation. he had such difficulty leaving everything at sodom & gomorrah that he ended up losing his wife. we know his wife was unhappy and could not trust in lot's leadership, for what father in their right mind would sacrifice his virgin daughters to a mob of rapists. lot's wife looked back for she could not trust in a future with lot's leading and decided to not heed the warning from God. Lot could have been saved even after losing his wife, but his fear immobilized him in drunkenness and he "settled" for less than where God truly wanted him to flee to. Due to his selfish ambitions and fear of leaving everything behind, he settled in a very "small" place. This is where Lot should have been a Godly father and gave his daughters noble love by empowering them and giving them an inheritance so that they can restart their lives God's way. however, instead of being an empowering father, he objectified the daughters and eventually got them pregnant which would extinguish his line with the moabites and ammonites. in the end, Lot took his own daughters' virginity and with it he took away his own line of generations to come. Lot's inheritance ended short that day when he decided to give his daughters selfish love.

another example is one that resonates closer to leaders in the church. how much we want to love and serve God and the church that we are willing to sacrifice even our families, wife and children and whatever we think will appease the Lord so that we may continue to be loved by the people of God. jephthah (Judges 11:29-39) was such a man who desired victory so much that he made a vow to God and traded his daughter for personal gain. He was a man who had a bastardly lineage and was excommunicated but restored for his warfare gifting. In the end, the insecurity of lacking true inheritance he attempted to amass a fleshly inheritance by gaining the favor of people. how many pastors have a very similar story of coming from a chaotic background to come under the saving grace of Jesus, and enters ministry only to live under a curse of people pleasing that drives us further away from the pure saving grace of Jesus that in the end we do not even recognize our Lord. So jephthah wanted victory but since he never had his own inheritance, he ended up stealing from his own daughter so that he could substitute for his lack of inheritance through war campaigns. however, in the end, he loses his daughter for she cannot have any children and eventually his own inheritance withers away. his only child, his daughter had been given unto the Lord and will never bear any offspring to prolong the lineage of her father. how pitiful that so many leaders in the church in order to raise up a ministry or some type of system or program, sacrifice anything and everything that comes out of the home, but in the end there is no inheritance to take up the mantle of the father to continue in the spiritual blessing of serving the Lord. the curse continues on, for we have not learned the folly of sacrificing our children to fill our selfish need to make up an inheritance so that people will love us. yet in the end, there will be no inheritance left for our own children. Our children despise the very calling that started our drive towards selfish ambitions and vicious cycles of selfish economizing of family as ministry resources.

the noble love (from the King) seeks not the gain of self-importance or selfish ambition of systems or gains or man made works, but always looks to the future generations as the benefactor of the blessings of God. The father gives his son intimacy so that the son will know the earthly father's heart and eventually grow into being a man after God the Father's heart. When a son has the intimacy of his father, then he doesn't need to seek a substitute intimacy from unhealthy ties to a mother, or later on to women in general. When a son is secure in intimacy then he will be able to grow up to be a healthy male that will be ready to leave and cleave unto his future wife and be a healthy husband and a father. Most importantly having a healthy intimacy with his earthly father sets the backdrop to engage the heavenly Father in an intimate manner.
a noble love interaction between a father and a daughter is one that leaves an inheritance not just for the sons, but even for daughters. daughters are to receive an inheritance from their fathers that gives them the security to trust in the father to always tell them and let the daughters know who they are and who they will be. the daughters that received an inheritance from their father do not need to seek that inheritance in men have assurance of their inheritance in their earthly fathers, and eventually God the Father. when a daughter is full of inheritance from the father, then she can have a healthy interaction where she is not being prostituted for emotional substitute with her parents. She doesn't need to engage in relationships that will compromise her identity and value for she has had her father’s assurance and reminder where the inheritance comes from and where she is going to go with the blessings of God the Father. it is painful to realize that very few fathers even know what their daughters' spiritual inheritance and identity are.
a biblical example of such a noble interaction comes from job (Job 42: 12 ). even though initially it seemed like job was a terrible father who lost everything and didn't even have clothes on his back, and he had no inheritance to leave for his children. however, only thing that job continued to maintain was the inheritance that everything came from God above and he never took anything that he had as his own. the simple fact that Job accredited all things to God, was the only reason why job was restored 7 fold towards the end of his life. it is important to note that the restoration process leaves job an inheritance not just for the sons but even for his daughters. when a father has enough blessings to leave an inheritance for the daughters, then you know the father's level of influence or boundaries goes beyond the traditional scope. therefore, it is not enough for earthly fathers to short change their daughters by loving them in the flesh, but in order for the daughters to be secure in the spiritual inheritance and the future role of birthing the future offspring and carrying on the mandate of God, the father must set the precedence in giving that inheritance which will empower the daughter to live in a healthy manner so that her ability to birth and live in that noble type of love will empower her and the future generations. when you read over the historical accounts of the kings of israel, the difference between the wicked and godly kings were always predicated by who was the mother involved in the lives of the young princes. the father's that left a heavenly inheritance of seeking after the Lord God and not following after the idols of pagan societies, those kings eventually had not only sons but gave their sons away to be married to godly daughters who would also walk in the way of the Lord God. the daughters who had such inheritance from their fathers would be the helper that would keep the husband fixed upon the heart of God the Father and would ensure a godly offspring to follow. do we see the pattern here?
in the end, yes it is always the man's responsibility to either continue to blessings of God to the 3rd and 4th generation or to release the curse that will kill any hopes of the future generations.
it is time that the church stop stealing the love of God, the noble love away from our future generations and bankrupting them with a house that will get foreclosed upon when they take ownership, but we must restore the divine order of the noble love of Christ, so that there will continue to flow from the house of God, an aroma that is beautiful to the Lord, as sons and daughters who walk in the noble love continue to walk in the way of blessing and perpetuate the cycle unto the next generation.
i don't know about you but i will not be a selfish father, but one who is noble in love towards all the sons and daughters that will come along.

²⁶ For you see your calling, brethren, that not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called. ²⁷ But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty; ²⁸ and the base things of the world and the things which are despised God has chosen, and the things which are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, ²⁹ that no flesh should glory in His presence. ³⁰ But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God—and righteousness and sanctification and redemption— ³¹ that, as it is written, “He who glories, let him glory in the LORD.”

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

i am an ordained surfer

i can go through all the turmoils

as long as i stand on Him

my hands are fragile; my heart is threatened; my eyes are blurry; my feet are cold

but i'm still breathing

so i get back up again

You are waiting and calling for me on the other side